A few minutes ago I was confronted with one of my greatest fears: a Hornet!
I cannot say that I 'hate' those creatures, but I definetly don't like having them around. It is not that I am not fascinated, on the contrary, they are amazing, they seem as if they came from another planet. When I watch them, when I see one, I feel my heart beating faster, my movement slowing down, I get almost paralyzed, as if only my flight, fright and fight mode was working. Still I couldn't figure out the reason, the point why I am so terryfied by those Insects. Maybe because I try to hide this fear, I try to avoid facing this point, because it really makes me feel uncomfortable.
A few minutes ago, one of those 'bullies' entered our bedroom and placed its enormous body on top of the mirror on the wall. I could hear it from the room next door and when I went to see wether it was a bumblebee or a fly, wich I both do not fear actually, I stared at it and knew immediately what it was. The shape alone makes me shiver when thinking of it. I went in the kitchen, took a glass and a piece of cardboard in order to get this beast out of the bedroom. (I know I am labelling it with all kinds of attributes, but I am surely aware that it is my own projection) But as I stood in front of it, I hesitated and stared like paralized at the creature, without doing anything. I simply couldn't. I thought about it and how ridiculous it was, I knew that it wouldn't be able to sting through the glass, with the cardboard I was not so sure, but I could prevent it from hitting me there, but this knowledge didn't calm me down. I had to retreat. So I went down to Kerstin who was in the bathroom, and I told her with the glass and the cardboard in my hands what she had to do now, lol. With a sigh and pretty much confidence she took the tools, went upstairs and trapped the creature, calling it 'a hornet baby!'.
Interestingly I wasn't even able to watch it, to move near it even while it was behind the glass. When we went outside, Kerstin told me that it was my part now to set it free. What I did was, I took a very long stick, approached the glass with the cardboard on top, with the tip of the stick flipped the cardboard away, and ran inside the house as fast as possible. I am laughing about myself now when writing this, but actually I take it rather serious, because this fear has to come from somewhere, it has to be a point of special interest for me, because it is really an intensive experience.
For now I start to face the actual points and apply self forgiveness on the thoughts, connections and pictures in my mind, regarding the encounter with hornets. By the way, I never really had one myself, never really made contact with one of them. The experience was always from a more or less save distance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a hornet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the hornets as being agressive and hostile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a hornet according to how I see it, how I percieve its appearence, sound and sight, size and colour as threatening and superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speculate on the motives of a hornet as if its intention was to sting me on sight.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become paralyzed and unable to direct my moves when a hornet is approaching.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to a hornet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the risk of hurting or killing a hornet because of my uncontroled, undirected behaviour and reflexive reactions when one is around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the sight of a hornet to a memory and a picture in my mind of an arm that I once saw that had a huge swelling from the sting of a hornet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the sight of a Hornet to a picture in my mind of an oversized hornet sitting somewhere at my body, acting hostile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to the fear that I am experiencing when I see a hornet, instead of directing myself to act in common sense ways, and do what is necessairy and reasonable in the situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from my perception of the hornet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from my own body when I get frightened by the sight of a hornet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the hornet in seeing myself as a victim of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the chance of actually facing my fear by trapping the hornet and set it free outside by myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to my self created resistance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate to face my own fear, to breath through the points, pictures, memories and fantasies related to hornets, in order to clear and free myself from hidden fears and suppressed emotions.
I allow myself to face myself and the fears that I created within myself, to stop when they occur and to breathe, redirecting myself back to 'here', to reality as Life, here, now as the breathing physical.
I allow myself to apply self forgiveness in the moment on any energy creating point.
I allow myself to stand as one and equal to and with life in each moment as breath.
I allow myself to see my fear as what it is, self created by suppressed pictures, memories and emotions, a confused state of mind that tries to seperate itself from what really is here.
I allow myself to see through any fear and reveal the points that create it.
I allow myself to stop any fear because it will seperate me in my mind from life and reality.
I allow myself to breathe and to stop myself from being controled by suppressed emotions, feelings, memories and habits by revealing and facing all of them, step by step, in self honesty.
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