Coming from a family background one would consider as quite normal, what means that we had all these events a 'normal' family in our culture has like divorces, secrecy, conspirations, enviousness and inconsistency, I experienced many frustrating moments and realisations throughout my entire childhood and I found myself determined by the inner force to search and find something in my life that would feel like a 'purpose' or at least give it some meaning.
And when I couldn't find such something inside my family, I moved away from it. I turned into a rebellious troublemaker, looking for 'fun' and 'attention', using all kinds of drugs and other distracting entertainment tools to feel somehow free or to find a way, a solution in my own life that I could stand for. I thought that would be music, and I played for many years in different bands and groups. But never was I able to establish some consistency in all that. I was always stumbling around, from one point to the other, frustrating myself and use selfpity as an excuse for taking drugs and all the other selfabuse.
I quit school and it didn't take very long that I had lost almost everything: family, people I called friends, shelter and money.
But I was quite creative when I felt the pressure and the urge to do someting. So I went to undergo the physical examination for military service and I chose to do civilian service. That gave me some perspective and I gained back some self esteem and direction.
Next step was finishing school and I took my qualifying for university admission and started studying...
I am going to shortcut that now, so through all these years I was trying to fulfill something that couldn't be fulfilled. I always thought in some of my decisions I would make a direct hit, find something that gives me a light bulb moment, and I would immediately KNOW that this was my purpose. Because to me it seemed that all the others found theirs, at least they were doing something, something that was admitted to be 'useful' or efficient.
ButI didn't find anything, on the contrary, I failed in almost everything I tried. Because whenever I was into something, I started to realize that I needed to PRETEND all the time in order to be accepted, to be efficient, successful or useful. I thought that this was my fault and so I didn't even try to become a very good pretender. It took me many years to realize that they all were pretending, though many of them didn't even know they were.
My character was due to all these depressive years and the self pity etc. more of a lazy nature, so I never really took the opportunity to establish practical or even political solutions in order to communicate my 'problems' with society. I became pretty much like these narcissistic, self-centered and arrogant 'Hippies' that are moving around in almost every town, thinking it was cool to be 'tolerant' in any way, have 'no problem' with drug abuse, even alcohol is cool and they always know a sentence that is topping yours, no matter if they stand for what they say or not. Just in order to appear intellectual they spend nights to learn reciting Marx or Nietzsche, without ever understanding a single word they read.
I was a bit like those, except that I actually understood what I was reading. But however, I couldn't find the words to transmit my message, my companions never really understood what I was trying to say and so I lost the confidence in my 'understanding' and again became frustrated. What I just wrote I can say now, without hesitating, but about three or four years ago, I wasn't so sure, I didn't stand for what I thought was my inability to adapt, my intellectual impotence, my disability to conform to 'common knowledge'. Today I know what I learned to hide back then, today I know what nearly broke my whole existance into tiny little pieces in order to feed the social cliché with them. It was my common sense, the ability to step back, to stop and see the truth in a moment. Not definitive, not judgemental, but simply as it is, as a matter of facts. But this isnt in demand in our society, this seems suspicious and alienated to the common.
I could review my agreement with Kerstin now, because that meant a big step forward in my process, not because she 'fulfilled my life', neither she 'saved me' from anything or any of that hollywood bullshit. But: we began as a fuckin trivial relationship, keeping all that above mentioned stuff in our minds, everyone with his own fucked up background looking for something or someone to fill the gaps.
So 'normally' this would have lasted for a year or two maximum. But we started our relation from a distance of about 400 kilometers. I don't need to give every detail here, it was quite ordinary in its expressions.
What we had in common - and today I see that as one main reason why we forced ourselves to stick together, to bear up these 'years of psycho-hell' that followed - was that we both had a past where we felt as totally alienated outsiders of common society. She faced these points from the very beginning of her childhood, because the reasons for her phenomenon of exclusion were apparent, and I experienced it some years later in my process of mental self-exclusion. So we both had no trust whatsoever in our social and cultural values. But we weren't really aware from the beginning.
It took us about seven years of pain and sorrow to finally come to a point of self awareness and decision. Gladly we both took that step nearly at the same time and from that day on we no longer had a relationship or a love affair, we met in an agreement of support and assistance for each other, while each one is standing as one-self. I think we could have seperated completely and socially that day as well, and nothing really significant would have changed for each one of us in our correlation. Except our housing- and household situation.
And all this took place during the same time I first encountered Desteni.
I remember having an upload of my first video on YT, where I scanned a painting I did of an alien reptile like figure on a black background. I had nothing but a scroll text and this picture in it. The text was a writing of mine about my 'feelings' and 'thoughts' towards life and still it inherited a call for a solution, a search for an answer to why I exist, why life exist at all. Since I was coming from starting points of some spiritual and philosophical schools, I tried to reach out, maybe that someone could see my dilemma, read 'between the lines' and figure out where I went wrong. Because all these spiritual scriptures, lectures and saatsangs made me feel uncomfortable, not because of the tools, the meditations, the moments of silence where one tries to face himself. Actually I found some of them really useful, especially the breathing techniques. But what I missed was the perspective. No solution, just treatment of symptoms. And after all only your own symptoms. I refused to believe that 'when I do Zazen, the whole world' was doing Zazen like it is written. I mean, people were being slaughtered and raped, dying from hunger and disease while I was sitting more or less comfortably in Zazen position.
So I thought maybe out there ther is someone, something going to hear my call. In the meantime I still had other things to distract myself, I still used alcohol and cigarettes, in order to ease my living-pain.
So when I had the upload done and started another one, I accidentally found some portal videos by Sunette and I started watching some becoming more and more fascinated, because this seeemed to be totally different from anything I had seen so far, but nevertheless what she said was somehow familiar. Then I came to a vlog about drugs, especially weed I guess and the suggestion not to use it. I immediately reacted, because I had a past of extensive weed smoking and I thought it to be spiritual enhancing, not so much at that time I saw the videos anymore, but in earlier times I was quite convinced about that myth. So I made a comment, obviously trying to defend my opinion.
First I was surprised that I got an answer at all, and when I read it, I felt totally caught. I am sorry that I can't remember the exact phrase, but it was somehow like: „ah, someone who likes the pleasures of the flesh... etc.“
Yep, that was it, and luckily I had enough self honesty to face this fact. But what surprised me the most was, that 'they' (I don't know who made the comments these days, it was from 'DesteniProductions' channel) took the time to examine my channel and watch my video. And they did not act like almost all people especially on YT would have done. They didn't thumb down my video or post abusive comments or something. No, they watched it and understood what I was talking about, and they gave me a hint to use the forum and read the material. I was absolutely stunned, I know this may sound strange, but in that moment, in these days it was like an enlightening moment to have such an unexpected reaction. That lead to many 'implosions' of my mind, and as I didn't want to betray myself deliberately, I was forced to face some points of my own behaviour in self honesty. And so I started studying the Desteni Material, and it was, respectively still is an amazing experience and insight.
Since then I started to share myself in the open, vlogging and blogging, investigating the human mind, its so called nature, and I began to understand things of which I may have had a glimpse or two, but never had the clarity and understanding that I found in the words of desteni research papers, blogs, vlogs and - Bernard.
I am glad for the opportunity to participate in the Desteni I-Process in order to establish living equality and deprogramm the unidentified personality structures for obvious reasons.
So far, so good, I feel really lucky about that encounter, because I found myself in great despair at that time, some three to four years ago, and I don't know how I should have gained any perspective on the future of human life on earth if I hadn't met Desteni people.
Thank you guys!